Local Couple Tries ‘Phantom Thread’ Approach To Dating

“Who says life doesn’t imitate art?” Xander, 28, proclaimed while sitting across from his new girlfriend, Rose.

The couple is obsessed with Phantom Thread and is getting ready to see it again for the sixth time. “We just… really dig the movie and their whole relationship. And, like, we looked at each other and said, this is what we’re missing, this is what we need to do.”

The couple met online in a film forum after getting into a heated debate about whether or not Magnolia was Paul Thomas Anderson’s best work.

“I’m more of a There Will Be Blood kinda dude but Rose was real adamant about Magnolia. I think it’s because she still secretly has the hots for ’90s Tom Cruise, even though he’s like… a crazy Scientologist.”

“I’m more of a There Will Be Blood kinda dude.”

Rose was especially bored with the conventional methods of dating and was looking to spice up her relationships. She propositioned Xander after reading a comment from him raving about Anderson’s new film.

“I’m so tired of the whole wine-and-dine approach to courting, it’s sooo predictable. After watching Phantom Thread, I was inspired by Alma’s courage and determination to make Woodcock her own. I’m not looking for male attention, per se; what I’m looking for is a man who will let me do bad things to him and still love me and let me do it again and again.”

“What I’m looking for is a man who will let me do bad things…”

“I mean… I’m into it. Whatever it takes, I guess. I mean, look at what it did to their relationship in the movie. They’re in love!”

“The hardest part so far has been finding these mushrooms. At first I got the wrong kind and we were waiting around for Xander to get sick and then nothing happened, but we figured it out in the end.”

The couple has only been dating for a few weeks but they feel their relationship will last forever — like Alma and Woodcock’s.

Xander and Alma are the first couple to try this method publicly but they probably won’t be the last.


26 Things That Are Better Than the GOP Tax Bill

  1. Root canals
  2. Getting stuck in traffic
  3. Changing a flat tire
  4. A crying baby on an airplane
  5. Erectile dysfunction
  6. Talking to your parents about sex
  7. Migraines
  8. Forgetting to charge your phone
  9. Scratching your new glasses
  10. Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
  11. Getting locked out of your apartment
  12. Justin Bieber
  13. Getting divorced
  14. Bad sex
  15. North Korea
  16. Playing Monopoly with people you actually like
  17. Losing that same game of Monopoly
  18. Applying for health insurance
  19. Online dating
  20. Cheap coffee
  21. Helping your friend move
  22. Doing the dishes after Thanksgiving
  23. Facebook group chats
  24. YouTube ads
  25. Being Mansplained
  26. Jar Jar Binks

New Children’s Book About Applying for Healthcare Accidentally Sweeps Nation

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS — Famed children’s author Beatrice Willows new picture book HMOs, PPO’s, WTF?!  has quickly become a bestseller, but it doesn’t only have the attention of three-to-eight-year-olds. Adults of all ages are running to the stores in hopes of grabbing a copy before they sell out.

“We’re frantically trying to keep the hordes back,” remarks Stan Williams, the manager at a local Barnes and Noble. “But they keep lining up… there are too many people and we simply don’t have enough copies to go around.”

The picture book’s main character, Tina, is forced to find her own healthcare once she turns 26 and is kicked off her parent’s coverage. Detailed illustrations by Willows depict the confused twenty-something as she tries to figure out what healthcare in America means and what coverage is best for her.

“It’s a real eye opener,” says Mia Johnson, 28, who was lucky to get one of the first copies. “I wish I had learned this in college.”

Debra Murphy, 65, was also taken aback at the lessons she learned flipping through the book, which she initially meant to buy for her five-year-old granddaughter as a birthday present. “This book makes way more sense than what’s on those silly government websites.”

President Donald Trump was also rumored to have scored himself a copy. There’s still no word on whether or not he’s decided to share it with anyone else in the White House.

Willows’ other bestselling children’s books include Sally and the Giant W-2, Charlotte’s WiFi, Your Parents Are Terrible People, and #WhatsThePointOfThis?

Local Woman Vows To Stay Off Internet Because of ‘The Last Jedi’

DENVER, CO – Lauren, 26, is fed up with hearing about the latest Star Wars film, The Last Jedi, and it hasn’t even come out yet.

“I’m tired of seeing the countdowns and the speculations – this has been going on since October. I’m just ready for it to end.”

Lauren thought she’d be OK by the time Friday, December 15th rolled in but she was caught off guard by last night’s world premiere.

“I was minding my own business on Twitter, getting my usual Saturday night dose of quality cat videos when I was blindsided by the Star Wars premiere.”

She almost threw her phone out the window of her apartment when she saw a tweet with potential spoilers. Lauren has since logged out of all social media profiles and is considering never signing back in, even after seeing the film.

Lauren also refused to comment on whether or not she thinks Porgs are going to be the next Jar Jar Binks.