Local Couple Tries ‘Phantom Thread’ Approach To Dating

“Who says life doesn’t imitate art?” Xander, 28, proclaimed while sitting across from his new girlfriend, Rose.

The couple is obsessed with Phantom Thread and is getting ready to see it again for the sixth time. “We just… really dig the movie and their whole relationship. And, like, we looked at each other and said, this is what we’re missing, this is what we need to do.”

The couple met online in a film forum after getting into a heated debate about whether or not Magnolia was Paul Thomas Anderson’s best work.

“I’m more of a There Will Be Blood kinda dude but Rose was real adamant about Magnolia. I think it’s because she still secretly has the hots for ’90s Tom Cruise, even though he’s like… a crazy Scientologist.”

“I’m more of a There Will Be Blood kinda dude.”

Rose was especially bored with the conventional methods of dating and was looking to spice up her relationships. She propositioned Xander after reading a comment from him raving about Anderson’s new film.

“I’m so tired of the whole wine-and-dine approach to courting, it’s sooo predictable. After watching Phantom Thread, I was inspired by Alma’s courage and determination to make Woodcock her own. I’m not looking for male attention, per se; what I’m looking for is a man who will let me do bad things to him and still love me and let me do it again and again.”

“What I’m looking for is a man who will let me do bad things…”

“I mean… I’m into it. Whatever it takes, I guess. I mean, look at what it did to their relationship in the movie. They’re in love!”

“The hardest part so far has been finding these mushrooms. At first I got the wrong kind and we were waiting around for Xander to get sick and then nothing happened, but we figured it out in the end.”

The couple has only been dating for a few weeks but they feel their relationship will last forever — like Alma and Woodcock’s.

Xander and Alma are the first couple to try this method publicly but they probably won’t be the last.


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